Bryan
Z's NDE
I
had been 21 years old for about one month. It was Valentine's Day,
1998. I was six hours away from home at university. I awoke that February
morning to a cloudy Indiana winter sky. The literal darkness of both
day
and night during those winters was difficult, to say the least. And,
it
was Valentine's Day. For a single and singularly confused young man,
the
darkness simply added to the depression of emotional and spiritual
solitude
that cut through me like a jagged knife.
I
was a philosophy major at the time. Having denounced Catholicism two
years earlier, I spent a great deal of time arguing with Christians
about
the foundations of their belief, about the lack thereof logic that
was
employed. I was enamored by rationalism, seduced by the order and
necessity.
I
had an apartment at the time and a roommate. We had a very violent
falling out that evening, and I went to stay with younger friends
of mine
who lived in a dormitory. They were listening to music and drinking,
and I
joined them. I had exhaustive battles with depression fueled by difficult
romantic relationships. I decided to drown the depression of the day.
I
chased a friend of mine down the hallway of the top floor. Each floor
had
two doors at the end that swung open from the middle and always in
the
outward direction. The top floor stairwell had a cross railing on
one
side, and on the other the stairs began their descent downward. I
was
running at full speed when I ran through the right side door to the
stairs. I believed that I would descend down the stairwell. As my
body
struck the door, I tripped, and, much to my surprise, I was on the
wrong
side. The stairs went downward on the left side, so I tripped and
fell
into the cross railing. My body struck the railing near my waist,
in the
precise place that allowed my upper torso to catapult over the railing
and
downward the 10 feet to the concrete stairs below. My body performed
a
complete revolution on the way down before my forehead struck the
edge of
one of the stairs with increased centripetal speed and a great deal
of
force.
I
left reality when I hit the cross railing. This is the marker for
the
beginning of my NDE.
There
was darkness and cold, but no pain. The one thing I knew was that
I
was aware. What I mean is an intense feeling of awareness, but more
than a
feeling. There was no thought involved about my awareness, just that
I was
aware. There was nothing about the experience that was Cartesian.
I had
no need to justify that fact that I was aware. The darkness was pervasive,
and thick and heavy like a great black cloak.
My
next memory was of being in the hospital intensive care unit. I
remember seeing many people around my bed at the time. I went to a
small
university, so I had many folks that knew and cared for me. My sister
was
there. The pastor of the university chapel was there. A few close
friends
of mine were there. My aunt and uncle were there. I had face to face
conversations with them. I saw the anguish in their faces, and this
was
distressing to me for I was not in pain. I recall vividly trying to
talk
to them, to let them know that I was not in pain, that I felt better
than I
had ever felt before.
The
feeling that overcame me at this point was indescribable. All worry
and emotional baggage that I had carried with me over my life, all
the pain
and frustration of the physical and human worlds was lifted from me.
I
felt completely and infinitely free. I felt that I could move at the
speed
of light. This was in no way a Physical sense of movement, not
three-dimensional. It was as if I was propelled by thought, rather
than
body. What existed was pure will.
Other
differences of this new reality were more profound. I felt as if I
understood the purpose of human life in a different way. I understood
that
the petty differences between people and the grudges that result are
the
horrible side of human life that is completely unnecessary and completely
irrational. Extreme attachment to the material world is detrimental
and
damaging to the soul. Human life is actually breathtakingly beautiful.
If
others would experience (become aware) of this beauty, then they would
not
engage in a lifestyle that is destructive to others, to animals, or
to
their local and global environments. I felt the intense love that
surrounded my spirit at that moment. A love that emanated from the
friends
and family who surrounded me. I felt an intensity of human love that
enveloped me, and renewed me. There was light involved in all of this,
but
not light that obeyed the traditional laws of physics. By light, I
mean
that light emanated from people, without any clear source. Remember,
I saw
these people around me...their faces, their grief, yet continued to
try to
console them that I was better than I had ever been.
There
was one dagger in my heart, however. I believed that I had never
truly met a soul mate while in my bodily form. This was the one emptiness
of my persona. This was the piece of me that left my human life
incomplete. I knew that I had been lying to myself about what would
truly
make me happy in a deep romantic relationship sense for a great deal
of
time. I regretted never having had the courage to open my soul fully
to
another.
In
the waking human world, things were quite dire. When my head struck
the
edge of the concrete step, I fractured several bones in my face from
my top
jaw and going upward. My eye sockets and sinuses were shattered. I
had
fractured my skull in the forehead area. I tore the durra layer between
my
skull and my brain which protects it from bacteria. My father said
that my
eye sockets bulged out to nearly the size of baseballs. I had lost
four
pints of blood. I had intense swelling which squeezed and blocked
my optic
nerves. I was blind. But that, of course, was the least of the worries
of
my human reality.
I
cannot account for the fact that I remember seeing every person's
face at
my bedside. Nor the desire of mine to take the pain that I saw and
felt
from every one of those persons. To absorb the pain as if it were
a
sponge. To internalize the pain...and swallow it for those who grieved.
It was difficult for me, because I felt that I had more understanding
and
was finally truly free of the physical, which was the most pleasurable
experience of my life thus far. Yet, at the same time, it was the
most
horrific for those persons around me. This is one of the most intense
paradoxes of the universe that I know.
I
remember seeing the Leer jet that I was loaded into and flown from
Valparaiso to Cleveland. I remember being unloaded at Burke Lakefront
Airport and being rushed to the Cleveland Clinic. I remember the bright
lights of the intensive care unit of the clinic, once I was there.
I
remember seeing my parents, they appeared somewhat withered and disheveled
at this point.
This
is the place where I felt that I was in a very large movie theater.
The screen had a quality that was better than digital resolution.
I began
to see the human world through this screen. I was alone in the theater.
But comfortable. It was warm, interesting, and safe. I recall seeing
my
mother hand-washing the blood stained t-shirt and jeans that I wore
when I
fell. I saw the reality of earth in real-time of the human world but
I
also relived the entirety of my life in an intermingled way. It was
as if
I was aware at the same moment of every one of my life's experiences.
The
linear span of my life intensified into one brilliant shining point
that
could exist transcendent of time. My traditional notion of time had
been
shattered. In fact, that notion no longer made any kind of sense at
all,
for I felt that all moments occurred simultaneously at once.
I
recall being taken to surgery on the third day after my journey began.
I
said goodbye to my parents, truly believing that I would never see
them
again. As I was taken into surgery and put onto the operating table,
for
the first time I started to see light all around me. There were no
figures
or forms. Just an intense white and warm light. At that point, I made
peace with the notion that I was going to leave my earthly body behind
me.
I was not afraid to leave my earthly body. For instance, I had a great
sense of anticipation to know what was to come next. Once I let my
body
go, I felt as if I was surrounded by an infinite sense of love, that
was
not qualified or withheld by materialism, conditions, or by judgment.
I
felt as if was in the palm of a very large and protective hand, being
elevated far away from the painful and debilitating finitude of my
body on
earth.
The
next thing I knew I was a guest at a dinner party in what I surmise
was
ancient Greece. There was an older man there of about 60, and I was
his
guest. I realized that the dinner party was actually in my honor.
We were
in a large hall, built of white stone, with large bowls of fruit lying
everywhere. There were other men there also, most of them in their
mid-twenties to late thirties. We were all dressed in white tunics,
but
each of the men also had a sash that was either deep blue, gold, or
purple. The hostess, I specifically recall, was deep blue. There were
urns filled with wine from which we were all dipping our cups and
enjoying
the sweet and intoxicating nectar. The men were lounging about on
a dais
that was near a side entrance to the hall, talking and laughing. The
air
was most definitely jovial and welcoming. When the bowls of fruit
would
empty or the wine would get low, the older gentlemen would call for
his
servants, who were teenage boys, to come and refill them. Eventually
the
servants carried out trays of roasted lamb, from which we all voraciously
partook. The party lasted throughout the evening and early morning
hours,
and, when daylight came, I exited the hall through the side entrance.
That
is the moment at which my NDE, I believe, was over.
I
awoke in my hospital room, two days after facial reconstruction and
frontal brain surgery. I left the hospital after only having been
there
two weeks. I did not take pain medication at any point after that.
After
the final consultation visits with my brain and plastic surgeons,
they
informed me that my case was one that had beaten the odds. The isolated
damage to my face and the top of my head and the speed at which I
recovered, were Miracles as they both separately told me. They both
suggested that they had never seen someone go through a fall like
mine with
such localized injuries, and, moreover, someone heal as quickly as
I did.
Only one to three percent of patients experience the full recovery
that I
did, they said.
Was
the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes
It is difficult to transcend the limits of traditional (or accepted)
descriptions of earthly "reality."
At
the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening
event? Yes Severe head injury with frontal brain trauma.
Multiple and extensive facial fractures.
At
what time during the experience were you at your highest level of
consciousness and alertness? An hour or so after it happened. However,
during all described parts I felt extremely lucid.
How
did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the
experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and
alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
If
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience
was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness,
please explain: See description above.
Did
your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in
any
aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth
perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes I did not need prosthetics (i.e. contact lenses or glasses) in
order
to see. Moreover, my eyes were not sending images to my brain as a
result
of swelling that prevented signals being delivered to the brain via
the
optic nerve.
Did
your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing
(in
any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound,
pitch,
loudness, etc.)? No
Did
you experience a separation of your consciousness from your
body? Yes
What
emotions did you feel during the experience? Euphoria, joy,
curiosity, empathy.
Did
you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? No
Did
you see a light? Yes See description above.
Did
you meet or see any other beings? Yes I was unfamiliar with
them. Yes...I dined with them. I don't recall direct communications,
was
more of presence and being welcomed complete acceptance with intense
love.
Did
you experience a review of past events in your life? Yes Learned
of events occurring while outside of the hospital while I was in the
hospital. Learning things that helped...yes and no.
Did
you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your
experience that could be verified later? Uncertain Upon telling
various people close to me about what I saw and heard, they became
fearful
of me or pulled away.
Did
you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations,
levels or dimensions? Yes See above description.
Did
you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes Time, in the
traditional linear sense, did not exist. In fact, that notion of time
is a
false and flawed way of viewing it.
Did
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or
purpose? Yes See above description.
Did
you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did
you become aware of future events? No
Did
you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following
the
experience you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain I
have a much more heightened sense of intuition. Moreover, I seem to
hear
sounds at much higher frequencies than those around me. Also, I am
greatly
affected more by static electricity. I fear and avoid being outside
when
lightning is present, however have never been struck. Before the
experience I studied meteorology for 2 years during undergrad and
chased
storms.
Have
you shared this experience with others? Yes Seven years.
Many were frightened by my experience, believed that I suffered brain
damage, or explained it away using influences of medication. A few
have
embraced my experience and supported me.
Did
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your
experience? No I had absolutely NO knowledge of these experiences
and
for many years attempted to suppress the memories. Prior to the experience
I would have asserted that someone who would have claimed to have
had them
was insane. My self-image suffered during the years of suppression
as a
result. Moreover, I struggled greatly with assimilated what I know
to be
the true nature of life and reality with what is the conventional
beliefs
held currently by most people.
How
did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks)
after it happened: Experience was definitely real It felt like a
journey, from which I had intense memories. So intense that I could
not
suppress or forget the memories even when I tried.
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful
or
significant to you? I hold every part of the experience as significant.
It
is the most profound and insightful even that has occurred in my life.
How
do you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real See answer to Question 38.
Have
your relationships changed specifically as a result of your
experience? Yes I love more intensely and deeply. I feel an
overwhelming sense of empathy at times with all humans. Many describe
knowing me as difficult, intense, and spiritually supportive.
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result
of
your experience? Uncertain At the time of the experience I was an
atheist, and, hence did not practice or believe in any traditional
or
organized type of religion. I still do not believe in the traditional
beliefs of most world religions however would consider myself to be
extremely spiritual. I embrace mysticism now and encourage others
to
re-think their common beliefs about reality.
Following
the experience, have you had any other events in your life,
medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Is
there anything else you would like to add concerning the
experience? I tried to forget about the experience and continue
living my life as I had before it. This was impossible. It has now
shaped
totally my understanding of the nature of life and I no longer fear
death
(however certainly do not desire to take my own life). Denouncing
materialism and consumerism has been quite difficult for me, especially
since they are two fundamental tenets upon which the society of humans
in
which I live are based.
Did
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately
and
comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your
experience? A questionnaire is never the same as human-to-human interview.
It is important that NDE's be communicated in person.
____________________
Krikrikit's NDE
I
was 14 years old, almost 15, and had been experimenting with street
drugs. On this occasion I had taken two or three different kinds of
drugs
-actually prescription medications -illegally obtained. They were
mostly
'downers' with a couple of 'uppers' or amphetamines, washed down with
a
rather large quantity of whiskey. Some of this medication was Darvon,
a
pain reliever commonly used at the time. I don't remember (if I ever
actually knew) what the names of the other medications were. I swallowed
several pills. I wasn't trying to commit suicide -just trying to have
some
fun. (LOL).
Within
an hour or two after taking the pills I realized I was in trouble,
that I was terribly ill, such as I had never been before. I was in
and out
of consciousness and losing control of my muscles. I could feel my
heart
beating very erratically in my chest. At times it beat very slowly,
with a
heavy thud, and it felt like it would explode, or rather just 'break
off'
and fall out of my chest into my belly. At other times my heartbeat
was
wild and fluttering. When I was aware enough to sense these palpitations,
I
was extremely frightened: I felt sure I would die.
My
buddies took me home and helped me into my bed. Both my parents were
at
work and no one was at home. My buddies obviously didn't know how
much
distress I was in, probably because they were so wasted themselves.
Anyway,
they left me in my bed alone.
All
I remember before the experience itself was what seemed like endless
repetitions of the terrible heart palpitations: the incredibly slow
and
heavy thud..thud...thud, followed by the wild, erratic fluttering.
It seems
like a couple of times I was aware enough to know I needed to try
to get
help, but basically I couldn't move. My muscles felt paralyzed. Somewhere
(it seemed) deep within my mind, I was aware that I was going to die,
and
for a time this frightened me. Then gradually I could feel my heart
just
beating slowly, incredibly slowly, thud...THUD..no more fluttering.
More
and more time lapsed between the heartbeats, and I was sure I was
going to
die, and at this point I wasn't afraid anymore. An incredible PEACE
filled
my whole being, and I began to feel very warm throughout my whole
being. I
felt the LAST heartbeat in my chest, a very heavy, very strong BOOM
-and
then it quit. I could FEEL it wasn't going to beat any more.
Immediately
I was 'away' -from my body, from the world I knew, and sort of
soaring or floating in a totally black and lightless 'void'. Then
again
almost immediately the 'void' seemed to 'take shape', and I felt distinctly
that it had taken on form and dimensions -like an enormous dark room
or
hall. Later in my thoughts I came to call this the 'Black Room'. It
was
huge. I floated or soared within it. (I couldn't really discern whether
or
not I was in control of my 'flight' or not.) At any rate, I was moving
toward an opening in a 'wall' of the Black Room. At a distance, I
could see
it was an opening because it was a slightly lighter shade of black
against
the utter blackness of the 'wall'. The opening was roughly circular,
but it
was not a steady shape. It oscillated or wavered like something alive
or
full of energy. As I was moving in the Black Room toward the opening
I felt
peaceful but also rather apathetic. My apathy puzzled me considerably
because I was having such an extraordinary experience. I remember
this
puzzlement very well. It's one of the most vivid aspects of the entire
experience.
Then,
very suddenly, my flight was accelerated and I was quickly 'pulled
in' through the opening in the wall. I remember going into the opening
and
seeing it move and almost 'dance', like something living. I was in
a
tunnel, or really more accurately a long hall. There is not a good
word
that describes this place. It had the qualities both of something
organic
or 'tubular', maybe like an artery (the tunnel aspect) and of something
'constructed' or 'man-made' or 'square', like a hall. Totally impossible
to
describe, but again, a vivid memory from the experience.
I
was then aware that I was, for the first time, 'standing on my feet',
so
to speak (though I didn't have a body!). Prior to this I had been
floating
or flying. But now I was standing on the 'floor' of the 'hall' looking
toward the 'far end' of it. Well, GOD was there. Or more accurately,
a
great Fire or Light that I was to understand 'represented' or 'stood
for'
God. (But, in a way, it WAS also REALLY God -this can't be explained,
and I
sensed it as a paradox, something I just had to accept. -But it really
wasn't an issue, as there was no 'intellectualizing', just raw, naked
experience of the Presence of God.)
I
can't describe how this felt. I was awed, struck dumb, amazed,
overwhelmed. But none of this really says what a profound experience
this
was. God was totally, absolutely 'beyond' anything I had ever imagined.
Beyond language, beyond thought, utterly beyond, but at the same time
NEAR,
RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME, mysteriously 'accessible' LOL, how lame
all
this is. TOTAL LOVE, TOTAL GOODNESS, TOTAL KNOWING.
Well,
God 'spoke' to me. O yes he did! He didn't use any words, but spoke
directly from his mind to my mind. And what he 'said' was so profound,
with
so many nuances of meaning, that I can't repeat it in words, but this
is
the gist of it:
"You
don't really KNOW yourself do you?"
God's
question was on one level THAT simple. But it also had other
meanings, like: "You don't know ANYTHING, do you?" And-
"NOBODY knows
anything, do they?" But not just intellectual knowledge, but
also how to
LOVE, how to EXIST, with the full and complete AWARENESS and ACCEPTANCE
of
the fact that GOD IS.
So
what could I say? I had to admit that, no, I didn't know anything.
After
all, I was standing there right in front of God, who knows everything!
So
-I HAD TO GO BACK. God knew it, and I knew it. End of discussion.
I was
disappointed. I thought I would 'go on' into the Light. But I had
to turn
around and go back, which I did, dutifully but sadly.
Was
the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes
The communication to me from the Light (God) was not in words, but
was
telepathic, with subtle shades of meaning impossible to adequately
express
in language.
At
the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening
event? Yes I had accidentally overdosed on street drugs and my
heart had stopped beating.
At
what time during the experience were you at your highest level of
consciousness and alertness? When I was standing in front of God,
just
before he 'spoke' to me.
How
did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the
experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and
alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
If
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience
was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness,
please explain: All I can say is that it was an INTENSE degree of
alertness, awareness, and focusing.
Did
your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in
any
aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth
perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes The Light that was God was extremely vivid and real. More real
than
anything I've ever seen.
Did
your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing
(in
any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound,
pitch,
loudness, etc.)?
No
Did
you experience a separation of your consciousness from your
body? Yes
What
emotions did you feel during the experience? Fear, terror
(before I left my body), then peace, apathy, confusion, elation, ecstasy,
disappointment.
Did
you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Yes Something
like a tunnel or rather more like a very long hallway. Really impossible
to
describe.
Did
you see a light? Yes A Light that is God.
Did
you meet or see any other beings? No
Did
you experience a review of past events in your life? No
Did
you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your
experience that could be verified later? No
Did
you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations,
levels or dimensions? No
Did
you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes The entire
experience was 'beyond' time and space.
Did
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or
purpose? No
Did
you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes I went into
the "Dark Room" and then through the 'opening' into the
long hallway.
Did
you become aware of future events? No
Did
you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following
the
experience you did not have prior to the experience? Yes Vivid,
meaningful, 'guiding' dreams -some precognitive, which I've relied
on for
direction all my life. Precognition, but only in personal matters
or in
matters relating to people very close to me. Later in life: after
death
communications, which I feel I am open to because of my experience.
Have
you shared this experience with others? Yes Many, many
years. I shared the experience with a few others who I knew would
be open
to what I had to say. My experience helped confirm and validate their
own
experiences.
Did
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your
experience? No
How
did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks)
after it happened: Experience was definitely real Well, how do I
explain this? I just never doubted that it was real. It was MORE REAL
than
anything that has happened to me, before or since. Nothing could convince
me that it was NOT real. What can I say? God told me in so many 'words'
that I had to 'go back' to this existence: to love, to learn, to DO
things
he wants me to do. A duty, not an option.
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful
or
significant to you? Being in the Presence of God.
How
do you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real See 40, above. I feel the same way
for the same reasons.
Have
your relationships changed specifically as a result of your
experience? Yes Sorry, I can't. This is too personal a matter
to readily discuss. And too complicated. Besides, I'm an old-fashioned
country boy not given to openly discussing such matters.
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result
of
your experience? Yes This would be the subject of an entire book.
Spare
yourselves.
Following
the experience, have you had any other events in your life,
medications or substances which reproduced any part of the
experience? Yes But not the parts that really count.
Is
there anything else you would like to add concerning the
experience? No.
Did
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately
and
comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your
experience? No.
____________________
Maria
R's NDE
I
had been operated on for a gastric problem and awoke from the anesthesia
in the ICU. They told me I was connected to a respirator and that
I had
bled a lot and had a cardiac arrest during the operation. They had
been
able to revive me but I was still in serious condition. Since I had
the
respirator in place, I had to turn my head in order to cough and signaled
to the nurse to bring me something to write on. Shortly, they brought
me a
little notebook and I asked them through writing and scribbling if
I was
still at risk for death. I needed to know whether to talk to my notary.
They told me that I was and if I desired they would tell my husband
what I
wanted. I had a pair of IVs connected to my veins. I later found out
it
was plasma, heparin, and pain medication. From time to time I went
to
sleep and I was able to distinguish PERFECTLY from when I was asleep
and
when not. Towards the middle of the afternoon I heard that my heartbeat
was erratic on the monitor and this caused me to cough. I tried to
sit up,
but my wound hurt and I fell back on the bed. The nurse took my head
and
turned it, yelling at me to be still and not try to move. He tightened
the
cuff on the blood pressure monitor that was around my arm and I heard
him
call to someone saying that I had no pulse and that I had fainted.
More
nurses came but I was unable to see them, I could only see black,
absolute darkness. I thought I had blacked out but I didn't feel at
all
faint. Their voices seemed to travel off and this sensation lasted
for
about 30 seconds. I suddenly recovered my sight and I found myself
in the
middle of the room, but I saw everything from above as if I were on
the
next floor and the floor was made of glass. I seemed to have exceptionally
sharp vision and could see my bed and three other beds, the whole
room, a
partition and laboratory on the side, and several wardrobes. The ICU
seemed to be illuminated by the sun, but this was incorrect because,
on the
contrary, I remember it being pretty dark. I saw the doctor taking
notes
and two nurses checking all the tubes and electrodes. And I saw my
nude
body on the bed while they spoke among themselves. The curious thing
was
that I couldn't hear their voices, rather I just knew what they were
saying
as if reading their minds and knowing what they were going to say
even
before they did. I remember trying to look at myself but I didn't
have a
body, yet I had the sensation of having one. I was really taken by
the
fact that my legs didn't hurt. Let me explain: For many years I had
suffered from a severe lack of vein and artery function and the pain
and
heaviness in my legs were chronic, no matter what position I was in.
I had
learned to live with this pain but now I didn't feel it and I wondered
if
my legs had gone to sleep. But I looked at myself and didn't see any
legs
or arms or anything. This made me realize: "That's it. This passage
wasn't so traumatic. I'm on the other side," and I started worrying
who
would take care of my blind husband and my brother who was psychologically
disabled. The thing is, I felt completely relaxed, with a feeling
of
weightlessness that reminded me of the abrupt changes of feeling
experienced in a fast elevator. It was something like the moment before
orgasm, that instant that only lasts a fraction of a second and that
we
want to prolong before climax (forgive me, it is the closest I can
come to
what it feels like because there really are no words to describe it),
except in this case it was continuous, everlasting, the natural state
of my
being. It was pure pleasure, without heat or cold, without pain, without
itching, without muscle tension, without heartbeat or larynx restricted
breathing. Everything was joyful, and I felt guilty because I had
inconsiderately abandoned the idea of returning to this life despite
knowing my family was completely dependent on me. I felt much sadness
and
solitude. There was nobody to tell what was happening to me nor to
tell me
what was going on although I ALREADY KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. It's
a
mental state where we just know...and that's all there is to say about
it.
But I felt as if going through withdrawal symptoms which made me very
sad,
although this feeling didn't last long.
Suddenly,
it seemed like the light surrounding everything got even
brighter, if that's possible, until I could no longer see the hospital
equipment, nor the ICU, nor the partition, nor my body or hear anything
any
human being said. Only light existed, without limits or dullness or
anything to contain it, without point of emission, light upon light
that
didn't come from any source nor go to any place. Light filled everything
and everything was light, including me. I then felt accompanied by
others,
as if I were the protagonist of the universe, as if every living being
had
all at once decided I was their focus of love. I thought: "I
have asked
myself my whole life what pure love is, and it turns out that love
is
light." I wanted it never to end, and it occurred to me that
something so
great couldn't have an end. But I thought I heard, "Maria, Maria"
continuously. This bothered me because it was my husband who was calling
me. Hearing his voice in my mind was bothersome. It interrupted the
marvelous trance state I was experiencing. I thought I saw the face
of my
mother at my side, but without features. More than just her face,
it was a
type of memory, of the security of her presence, of certainty. It
was a
kind of faith that told me it was her. My mother died when I was 4
years
old. It felt like she caressed my head, combing my hair with her fingers.
I looked for her hands and, as with me, she didn't have any. I knew
that
she also heard my name being called. I remember thinking: "Don't
let me
go." And she stopped caressing me and said, "They are calling
you. You
can't leave them now. Stay calm. We shall meet again and they will
also
be here." I felt a push and I saw darkness once again. I felt
pain in my
chest. I also felt the wound and my legs again, and I coughed hard,
very
hard, and thought I was going to cough out my insides. I again heard
voices (this time real voices, spoken out loud, close to me) asking
for
oxygen. They said to me, "breath, breath." I felt them insert
a catheter
into my bladder, and the pain was so great I thought, "OK, I'm
back once
again." Shortly, I raised my head up a bit and saw my feet. When
the
nurse came I asked her what had happened and she said, "girl,
you've got 9
lives like a cat."
What
was the most surprising? When they took me into the operating room
to
do the surgery they tied my hair badly in a pony tail with a piece
of
gauze. In the ICU I felt the knots in my hair, they pulled, I touched
them
and felt the snarls of my hair that no comb could ever fix in years.
After
my "return" I remember that the doctor asked the nurse,
"Who undid the
gauze from this girl's hair?" She answered, "Nobody. It
probably fell on
the floor." The doctor continued to chide saying, "And her
hair combed
itself, right? Move the bed and look for that gauze. I don't want
any
crap on the floor in here. This is an ICU." They moved the bed
and all
the apparatus and there wasn't a nurse or maintenance person who didn't
ask
another who had combed my hair. The gauze was never found, nor did
anyone
comb my hair apparently (it would have been difficult without moving
the
bed because the headboard was fixed to a wall with a skylight above).
The
fact was that my hair fell free and untangled toward the back, upon
the
pillow. From time to time I have run into one of them in the hospital
hallway and they ask who had combed my hair, as if I was an accomplice
to
the act. How could I explain to them that it had been my mother...
Thank
you.
Was
the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes
The sensations, my ability to see clearly.
At
the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening
event? Yes The "beep" of the monitor was no longer audible
and
a nurse said to a doctor, "She's gone. It would have been hard
for her not
to go. What could we expect." And they took me off the respirator.
At
what time during the experience were you at your highest level of
consciousness and alertness? When I saw myself from above.
How
did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the
experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and
alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
If
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience
was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness,
please explain: I have already explained this. I seemed to have a
far greater field of vision. I could see several rooms with their
partitions. It seemed to me everything was very illuminated and nothing
cast shadows. The voices I heard formed in my mind before I heard
them.
It was like hearing the ideas before they were translated into spoken
language and formed into sentences. I also had the feeling of knowing
everything. It was like if I wanted to be unaware but I couldn't because
I
already knew everything.
Did
your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in
any
aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth
perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes I seemed to have a much greater field of vision. I could see
several rooms with their partitions. Everything seemed very illuminated
and nothing cast a shadow.
Did
your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing
(in
any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound,
pitch,
loudness, etc.)?
Yes The voices I heard formed an instant beforehand in my
mind. It was like hearing the ideas before they were translated into
spoken language and formed into sentences.
Did
you experience a separation of your consciousness from your
body? Yes
What
emotions did you feel during the experience? The loss of pain
and I didn't feel my breathing nor my heartbeats, nor normal muscle
tension.
Did
you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Yes Not a
tunnel, but I did see darkness for about half a minute more or less.
Did
you see a light? Yes Light that at first allowed me to see
myself and the medical team and afterwards it grew and engulfed everything.
Did
you meet or see any other beings? Yes My mother. I have
already described this.
Did
you experience a review of past events in your life? No
Did
you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your
experience that could be verified later? Yes During the
experience it seemed my hair was being combed and when I woke up someone
had combed it, but no "mortal" admitted doing it nor saw
anyone do it. Not
only that, but someone would have had to move the bed and table to
do it..
Did
you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations,
levels or dimensions? No
Did
you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes, I lost the notion
of time and space because there were no physical limits to show that
both
these dimensions exist. There was only the desire for eternal existence.
Did
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or
purpose? Yes Here we are limited. The body is a prison and the real
world is a nest of germs and filth, of smells and volatile substances
that
now make me nauseous, but it didn't used to be that way before my
experience. I have an excessive obsession for cleanliness, especially
for
clean bodies. Over there, everything was sterile, unpolluted.
Did
you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did
you become aware of future events? No
Did
you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following
the
experience you did not have prior to the experience? No
Have
you shared this experience with others? Yes A few months
afterwards. I told a friend, but just part of the experience. She
believed me, but I felt if I had told her everything she wouldn't
have
believed me. So I didn't tell her more.
Did
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your
experience? No
How
did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks)
after it happened: Experience was definitely real I was conscious
from
the moment I began to feel physical pain once again and to smell things.
I
didn't wait longer because I was still in the hospital and knew for
certain
the difference between being asleep, being awake, or being passed
out.
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful
or
significant to you? The change of dimension, the sensation of emotions,
cleanliness and pleasure that in this life would be impossible to
find.
How
do you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real Exactly the same as when I
experienced it, although I have reflected on it and have arrived at
the
conclusion that this life is a kind of test. That this isn't really
life
but rather what comes afterwards is.
Have
your relationships changed specifically as a result of your
experience? Yes My conceptions about family and marriage have
completely changed, as well as the emotions of relationships. Of course,
I
now see the whole world as much more egoistic.
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result
of
your experience? No I was educated as a Catholic although I was never
really a practicing Catholic. I haven't seen anything that shows me
there
is a superior being. There is a superior energy, but I still haven't
seen
a superior being.
Following
the experience, have you had any other events in your life,
medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Is
there anything else you would like to add concerning the
experience? What has shocked me the most is to find there are other
people who have experienced the same thing. This erases once and for
all
the suspicion that I dreamed it.
Did
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately
and
comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain There are sensations
I have tried to describe and compare with earthly experiences but
there's
just no way to do it.
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your
experience? Yes. Ask what the experiencer would compare the sensations
with. Perhaps by presenting various points of view the experience
can be
explained in such a way that those who haven't had an NDE can understand
it
better.
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